Adult Joke

southern

Well-Known Member
Fat man saw an ad:
"lose 5kg in a week" in a newsppr.

He calls the company & lady says be ready tmrw at 6am.

The next morning he opens the door & finds a hot babe with just shoes, undergarments & shirt saying:
"u catch me u fuck me!" & the girl starts running.

He starts running but doesn't catch her. During the whole week he tried to catch her but couldn't.
However he loses 5 kg.

He then asks for the 10kg program.
Next morning at 6 he opens the door and sees an even hotter babe in shoes, thong & a shirt saying:
"u catch me u fuck me".

He loses 10 kg that week.

So he thought this program is awesome!
Lets try the 25 kg!
So he asked for the 25 kg but the lady said "R u sure?
its really tough".
he said "YES!"
Next day at 6 he opens the door, he finds a negro gay in just underwear saying..
"If I catch u, I will fuck u.."
 
Re: Adult Joke

Good one. Here's another golden oldie:


2 men were adrift in the ocean, dying of thirst, when favorable currents perchance carried them ashore an island. Suddenly, they were surrounded by beautiful, nekkid island native girls, who lovingly nursed them back to strength and health.

Unfortunately, the way these 2 men repaid the ladies' kindness was by catching hold of as many of them and satisfying their pent up lust. Suddenly, this was interrupted by the sounds of pounding war drums, and lo and behold, from the bushes, appeared the native men - strong, muscular, menacing.

These 2 men were quickly captured and brought before the island chief to be judged for their ungratefulness and crimes.

"We gave you food and water, and this is how you repay us!" bellowed the chief. "You must pay for your crimes, but we are not a savage race. I will allow you to choose your choice of punishment: DEATH or POOMBA"

The first guy thought to himself "I don't want to die. Anything would be better than death!". So he declares: "I choose POOMBA!"

The chief nods and says "POOMBA it is". The first guy is tied down and 10 of the fittest, strongest, most handsome men in the village take turns "analyzing" his chocolate starfish. By the time they were done, the first guy was in tears, could hardly walk in a straight line, and never knew the meaning of constipation ever again... But he was alive!!!

The second guy saw all of the action and thought to himself "Holey heck. Even death is better than the ass ramming that the first guy suffered!". He valiantly voiced his choice to the chief: "I choose DEATH!!!"

The chief nodded somberly, and pronounced the sentence: "DEATH it is then. DEATH....






....by POOMBA!!"
 
Adult Joke

POOMBA.... the sound reminds me of this....

(It's a gif so you need to click on it)

1.gif
 
Re: Adult Joke

I thank the BMW forum gods that Seanskye's attachment limit has been lifted. Now, my life is truly complete.
 
Re: Adult Joke

A Priest and a Nun are on a donkey in the desert, the donkey dies of exhaustion and the priest says to the nun "i havent really seen a woman naked before" the nun says "really is that so" the priest then says "yes it is true will you please get naked for me while we spend are soon to be our last hours in the desert" the nun says "yes i will" the nun strips down to her birthday suit and the priest looks at her vagina and says "whats that?" the nun says "its my black hole you stick things in it and it brings life" the priest says "oh really" the nun reply’s " yes " the nun shortly after says i havent seen a man naked will you please get naked for me as i did for you" the priest reply "indeed" the priest strips down to his birthday suit and the nun stares at his penis the nun shortly after says "whats that?" the priest reply’s "thats my staff of life you stick it in black holes and it brings life" the nun replys "well stick it up the donkeys black hole and lets get moving!"
 
Re: Adult Joke

Another golden oldie:

Tom, Dick & Harry, after having had one too many beer to drink during their lunch break, decided to compare who's dick was the longest (obviously, they've never met Kennaconda, but that's a different story), so they climbed to the roof top of the office building to settle it once and for all. They all stood at the edge of the building, and Tom went first.

He unzipped & unfurled his whopper, and grinned with quiet satisfaction as he watched it drop over the building ledge. That grin grew wider as the loud, hysterical screams of pure terror reached his ears, no doubt from the workers in the building a floor below, upon seeing that huge dick swinging outside their office window.

Dick seemed unimpressed, and Tom soon learnt why. Dick unleashed the snake and not only did it reach TWO floors below, the bloody thing smashed through a window and sent the workers there scurrying out of the office!

After Dick and Tom had finished giving each other the congratulatory pats on the backs, and after they had sheathed their torpedoes back into their pants, they noticed that Harry was all quiet, with an intense look of concentration on his face, and wriggling his hips furiously, while trying to keep his balance at the edge of the building.

"Why so quiet, mate?" Tom asked. "Stunned into submission?" Dick offered.

To which Harry snapped, as he wriggled his hips once again: "For fcuk's sake, can't you see I'm busy avoiding the traffic on the street!?!?!"
 
Re: Adult Joke

A young lady in the maternity ward just prior to labour is asked by the midwife if she would like her husband to be present at the birth.
"I'm afraid I don't have a husband" she replies.

"O K - Do you have a boyfriend?" asks the midwife.

"No, no boyfriend either."

Do you have a partner then?"

"No, I'm not attached; I'll be having my baby on my own."

After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman,

"You have a healthy bouncing baby girl, but I must tell you before you see her that the baby is black."

"Well," replies the girl, "I was very down on my luck, with no money and nowhere to live, and so I accepted a job in a porn film. The lead man was black."

"Oh, I'm very sorry," says the midwife, "that's really none of my business and I'm sorry that I have to ask you these awkward questions but I must also tell you that the baby has blonde hair."

"Well yes," the girl again replies, "you see the co-star in the movie was this Swedish guy."

"Oh, I'm sorry,"

The midwife repeats, "that's really none of my business either and I hate to pry further but your baby also has slanted eyes."

"Yes," continues the girl, "there was a little Chinese man also in the movie, I really had no choice."

At this, the midwife again apologizes, collects the baby and presents her to the girl, who immediately proceeds to give the baby a slap on the butt. The baby starts crying and the mother exclaims, "Thank god for that!"

"What do you mean?" says the midwife, shocked.

"Well," says the girl extremely relieved, "I had this horrible feeling that she was going to bark."
 
Re: Adult Joke

Old but funny dick jokes

Q: What do you get when you cross and owl and a rooster?
A: A cock that stays up all night long.

Q: What do you call a woman who loves small dicks?
A: Hopefully your girlfriend.

Q: What do you call a guy who cries while he masturbates?
A: A tearjerker.

Q: What does the receptionist at the sperm bank say when clients are leaving?
A: Thanks for coming!

Q: What do you call a Guy who masturbates multiple times a day?
A: a terror-wrist

Q: Three words to ruin a man's ego...
A: "Is it in?"

Put a bumper sticker on your car that says: "Honk if you have a small penis" and then intentionally cut people off in traffic...

A dick has a sad life. His hair is a mess, his family is nuts, his neighbor's an asshole, his best friend's a pussy and his owner beats him regularly.

School Psychologist

A school psychologist was conducting a group therapy session with three young mothers and their small children.

"According to your child's names you all have obsessions," she stated.

To the first mother, she said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."

She turned to the second mom. "Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

At this point, the third mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, Dick, let's go."

Redhead, Brunete, Blonde

One day a brunette, a redhead and a blonde decide to go through their daughter's purses.

So, the brunette goes through her daughter's purse and finds cigarettes. She says, "Oh my god, I'm so ashamed! My Daughter smokes."

So, the redhead goes through her daughter's purse and finds an empty can of beer. She says, "Oh my god I'm so ashamed! My daughter drinks."

So, finally, it's the blondes turn and she finds a used condom. She says, "Oh my god I'm so ashamed! My daughter has a penis."
 
Re: Adult Joke

There were three women who were at the gynecologist having pre-natal checkups The doctor asked the first woman "in what position was the baby conceived?"

"He was on top ", she replied.
"You will have a boy!" the doctor exclaimed.

The second woman was asked the same question.
"I was on top ", was the reply.
"you will have a baby girl. " said the doctor.

With this, the third women, a blonde, burst into tears. "What's the matter?" asked the doc.
"Am I going to have puppies?”.....
 
Adult Joke

Baby1M;1045253 said:
There were three women who were at the gynecologist having pre-natal checkups The doctor asked the first woman "in what position was the baby conceived?"

"He was on top ", she replied.
"You will have a boy!" the doctor exclaimed.

The second woman was asked the same question.
"I was on top ", was the reply.
"you will have a baby girl. " said the doctor.

With this, the third women, a blonde, burst into tears. "What's the matter?" asked the doc.
"Am I going to have puppies?”.....


And a fourth woman will have a baby helicopter pilot... I never say the baby was miraculously conceived inside a 2-seater BMW.
 
Re: Adult Joke

Disclaimer:
1) Not implying MW or anyone in particular.
2) Adult Jokes don't have to be X-rated yea?


"An engineer dies and reports to hell.

Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements.

After a while, they've got air conditioning and flushing toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"

Satan replies, "Hey things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flushing toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."

Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."

God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."

Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are you going to get a lawyer?"
 
Re: Adult Joke

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers.

She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles in the other.

She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine."

The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very closely:

Are - my - test - results - back?"
 
Re: Adult Joke

This is not a joke but something funny I read ... "When asked if they would like to have sex with me, 30% of women said, 'Yes', while the other 70% replied, 'What, again?'"...
silvio berlusconi
 
Re: Adult Joke

There were 2 golfers on the Golf Course.

One of the men pulled out a cigarette, and asked his friend for a light.

His Friend Pulls out a 12 inch Bic Lighter.

"Wow! where did you get such a large Bic?"

"Oh this?, my genie got it for me."

"Your Genie? Yoh have a genie? Where is he?"

"He is in my golf bag."

The frined says, "can I see him?"

His friend says "yes, sure!" So the friend looks in the bag and out comes the genie.

The man says to the genie: "I am your master's best friend. Would you grant me just one wish?"

The genie says "Yes, but just one."

So, the man thinks for a moment and says "Genie, I wish for a Million Bucks."

The genie looks at him, nods and dissapears back into the golf bag without saying a word.

Pretty soon, the sky starts to get dark, even though it is still only just after noon. It gets even Darker.

The man looks up and sees ducks. There are ducks everywhere. there has to be at least a million of them!

The man gets real upset and says "what is the matter with your genie? Is he hard of hearing? I said a million Bucks, not a million Ducks!"

His frine turns to him with a wry smile and says "Do you REALLY think I asked for a 12 Inch BIC?"
 
Re: Adult Joke

Below is one of those Blonde jokes....

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.

She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"
 
Re: Adult Joke

Two doctors were in a hospital hallway one day complaining about Nurse Nancy.

"She's incredibly mixed up," said one doctor. "She does everything absolutely backwards. Just last week, I told her to give a patient 2 milligrams of morphine every 10 hours. She gave him 10 milligrams every 2 hours. He damn near died on us!"

The second doctor said, "That's nothing. Earlier this week, I told her to give a patient an enema every 24 hours. She tries to give him 24 enemas in one hour! The guy damn near exploded!"

Suddenly, they hear this blood-curdling scream from down the hall.

"Oh my God!", said the first doctor, "I just realised I told Nurse Nancy to prick Mr. Smith's boil!"
 

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