Doesn't take much to impress our brothers up north.
Here are some real tips that only E46 insiders know about -
1. Hitting the mute button on your multi-function steering wheel will NOT make your wife shut up. To do this, depress the button with the red emergency triangle 3 times. This re-programs the pyrotechnics in the seat belt to ejection seat mode. A fourth press of the same button will instantly eject your irksome passenger from your car. Note – Opening the sunroof first is highly recommended.
2. The floor mat in your boot is removable and reversible. This is a very handy feature if you are enjoying the great outdoors with your mistress or girlfriend and if you forget to bring a rug. After use, always remember that you can reverse the mat to hide any embarrassing stains.
3. It has been scientifically proven that nulliparous females in oestrus cannot distinguish between different E46 models. Why impress her with an M3 when a 318i will do the job?
4. Well-to-do men will introduce you to their marriageable daughters, but only if you arrive at their homes in your E46 without the blacked out windows, loud aftermarket exhaust, thumping stereo and 20” chrome wheels. Failure to observe this rule will create an unfavourable impression of your good self, and you may be introduced only to their fat argly daughters with bad teeth.
5. Male owners of 6 cylinder E46s, on average, have larger penises than their 4 cylinder counterparts. Modding a 4 cylinder E46 will not reverse this disparity.
6. Owners of Evos and WRXs will cower in submission if you replace the “320Ci” badge with a fake “M3” badge. If you are racing a WRX in your E46 and both of you are pursued by Traffic Police, you have nothing to fear as the copper will always go after the WRX first.
7. When parking in the open, always look for a spot next to an E90 or E92. Birds will never shit on your E46 when parked under these ideal conditions. They will always go for a newer car. Owners of E90s and E92s, especially those under 6 months old, will find that every bird under the sun will manage to crap on their cars.
8. If you want your 320Ci to be famous, just cover the roof with fake carbon fibre and stick a fake “CSL” badge on the boot lid. Teenage boys will instantly whip out their mobile phones and take pictures of your car. Do a Google search a week later under “wrecked exotics.”
