Air traffic Humor

[m3magic]

Been around, still think is funny. Enjoy

Actual exchanges between pilots and control towers:

Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"
Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"

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Tower: "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."

TWA 2341: "Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"

Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"

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From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm bored!"

Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"

Unknown aircraft: "I said I was bored, not stupid!"

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O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."

United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got the little Fokker in sight."

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A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the
aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known position?"

Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."

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A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long
roll out after touching down. San Jose Tower Noted:

"American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if
you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101,
make a right at the lights and return to the airport."

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A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich, overheard
the following:

Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"

Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."

Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in
Germany. Why must I speak English?"

Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent):
Because you lost the bloody war!"

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The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a
short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we(a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747,call sign Speedbird 206.

Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."

Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."

The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"

Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."

Ground (with quite arrogant impatience):

"Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"

Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- And didn't land."

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While taxiing a London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight
departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727.

An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming:

"US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?! I told you to turn right
onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"

Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically:

"God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"

"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.

Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her currentstate of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely
running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone,
asking:

"Wasn't I married to you once?"

[jaskin]

A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the
aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known position?"

Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."

Sounds like a blur air grading pilot. hahahahaha
Where are we now? I don't know sir...

[Nuke]

hahahahhaa....thanks fer these. Pretty funny.

[BlackStealth]

I think the american ATC ones are rather accurate! They like to communicate using non-standard aviation lingo with jokes added at times.

Racist as hell, its very normal for American ATC to be very very rude to Asian pilots from time to time.

Welcome to America.

ps... I am going to try to use this one in future!

"Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got the little Fokker in sight"